JOKES, ANECDOTES, FUNNY QUOTES, SILLY STORIES ETC. LAUGH !!!

[oreok]

Personally, I really like this one !!! 8)

DOG STORY


In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: “TALKING DOG FOR SALE”.

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?”, he asks.

“Yep”, the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says: “Ten dollars.”

The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar…. He didn’t do any of that shit!”

[oreok]

HERE IS SOMETHING I RATHER LIKE AND IT IS RELATIVELY DIFFERENT FROM ORDINARY JOKES. ENJOY SOME OF THE WITTY AND FUNNY THINGS SAID BY SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL (THE FAMOUS FORMER BRITISH PRIME MINISTER).


Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on.

I like a man who grins when he fights.

There are a lot of lies going around... and half of them are true.

A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

The inherent vice of capitalism is the uneven division of blessings, while the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal division of misery.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.

This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But, it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

In wartime, truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies.

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Democracy is the worst form of government except for all those others that have been tried.

Never abandon life. There is a way out of everything except death.

You see these dictators on their pedestals, surrounded by the bayonets of their soldiers and the truncheons of their police. Yet in their hearts there is unspoken – unspeakable! – fear. They are afraid of words and thoughts! Words spoken abroad, thoughts stirring at home, all the more powerful because they are forbidden. These terrify them. A little mouse – a little tiny mouse! – of thought appears in the room, and even the mightiest potentates are thrown into panic.

Everybody is in favor of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people’s idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone says anything back, that is an outrage.

SOURCE: http://quotes.liberty-tree.ca/quotes.ns ... +Churchill

[oreok]

GOODNESS, IT LOOKS AS IF YOU GUYS HERE NEED SOME NEW FUNNY STUFF TO GIVE YOU A LAUGH IN THESE LOOONG DARK WINTER EVENINGS... OK. HERE WE GO THEN !!!

I WAS SENT THIS VIA E-MAIL BY MY GREAT AMERICAN FRIEND IN NEW YORK (GOD BLESS YOU MY BIG GIRL !!!)


What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48,
58,68, and 78 ?

At 08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

At 78 - What story???? What bed??? Who are you???




THE FOLLOWING OF COURSE IS JUST A JOKE !!!!

epidemic alert

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. This disease is
contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him"). Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 5 years, in
spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease. Cognitive sequelae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are not limited to, anti-social
personality disorder traits; inability to tell the truth, delusions
of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of
the English language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to
incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia; inability to
accept responsibility for actions; exceptional cowardice masked by
acts of misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance
of geography and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical
theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical,
all-or-nothing behavior. The disease is sweeping Washington,
trailer parks, and the red states. Naturalists and epidemiologists
are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only
a few years ago from a Texas Bush.

[oreok]

Winter is loooong over and since spring started (mercy!!!! it's far too warm here in Greece at this time of year... 8) ) with summer hardly able to wait for its turn, this little post needs some refreshment !!!

So here are some nice new ones from my wonderful American friend... sweeties those poor people at the other side of the Atlantic must be really pissed off (ooops... sorry 8) ) by the Bush administration... 8) ...


NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named *Governmentium*. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal h alf-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.



Hope nobody thinks this one is racist. It's of course intended as criticism on the US's energy and immigration policy


SOLUTIONS

My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.

Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. This solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems: I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas.



It's so nice to know that the world leader is so smart... :headbang:


George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one." Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair! "

[oreok]

HI EVERYONE AROUND THE GLOBE !!!!

THIS ONE IS REALLY FUNNY... IT'S A BIT NAUGHTY 8) BUT I HOPE THAT NOBODY FEELS OFFENDED


Dictionary definitions


Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:


40-ish ........................ 49.

Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.

Athletic ...................... No breasts

Average looking .......... Moooo.

Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure ... On medication.

Feminist .................... Fat

Free spirit .................. Junkie

Friendship first .......... Former slut.

New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.

Open-minded ............. Desperate

Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional .............. Bitch

Voluptuous ................ Very Fat

Wants soul mate ....... Stalker



WOMEN'S ENGLISH:


1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?



MEN'S ENGLISH:


1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay